that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
