And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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