omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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