Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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