farters have to be the big spoon...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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