I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
