Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
