Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
