I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
