Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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