Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
