I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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