3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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