He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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