not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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