Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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