I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
