is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
