The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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