Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
