I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
