i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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