I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
