All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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