At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
