Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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