In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
