only you would photoshop your dick
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
