sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
