the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
how drunk are you?
Several
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
