She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
