did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
