well I can't set my house on fire every night
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
