there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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