Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize