I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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