I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
