My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
