She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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