i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize