and she was petting her beer can
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
