Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
