I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
