My nipple is on Facebook.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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