I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize