I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
