You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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