Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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