I look better un-naked...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
