Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
