My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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