I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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