the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
