I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
