The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my poor anus
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
