chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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