you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
